The Passive Edge

We recently received the following letter from a loyal reader:

I have a long-distance acquaintance who once was a friend. Not a very close friend, mind you, but this person (let's use the name "Pat") seems to have the impression that we were much closer than we were. It's a strange imbalance. After a ridiculous incident of "chat ambush" a while ago, I was forced to block Pat from my IM service of choice. At this point, I wish to defriend Pat on my social network. I do feel that an email explaining this is in order, but I do not feel that Pat warrants a telephonic or face to face explanation. Is there an accepted protocol for "breaking up" with a friend over email and severing all electronic contacts?

Thank you,

LOYAL READER

We thought that our loyal reader's inquiry occasioned a general discussion about scaling back online relationships. As such, Maggie will offer an enlightening commentary on removing friends from your social networks. Pete will follow her discussion with some brief remarks about instant messaging.

Defriending on Social Networks

Facebook, myspace, and other social networks allow you to deny a friendship request without the individual knowing that you left them off of a list of 588 other people you hardly know. There is also the option of "defriending" someone that you have previously accepted as a friend after a change of heart. Once again, the individual will not be notified that you no longer want to be friends with them. Indeed, with the click of a mouse, you can refresh your cache and dump your friend in the trash bin.

Sometimes you'll come across an obsessive e-friend. These individuals check their friend counts on a consistent basis, and keep tabs on every status update. If you de-friend one of these people, it might not go unnoticed. In such a case, they'll often attempt to re-friend you, putting the ball back in your court. Are you going to make the same mistake you did last round? The answer must be no.

If such a (former) friend sends you a message asking why you haven't re-friended them, just say something along the lines of "Oh, I don't really check that site anymore." One novel method that I have recently used in order to de-friend an individual is to take up Burger King on its "Whopper Sacrifice" deal. This facebook application allows you to remove 10 of your friends in exchange for a free hamburger sandwich. While the individual does receive a notice that they have been deleted so that you could get a whopper, it makes the person laugh, and you can say something like, "hey, I just wanted a whopper. Times are tough. I figured you wouldn't mind because we're such good friends." This provides that passive edge that you're looking for in an e-friend break up. Since you've had a jocular exchange about a free hamburger, you can go along your way without feeling guilt-ridden.

Disengaging on Instant Messenger

In his e-mail, our loyal reader mentioned that he was overwhelmed by instant messages from his distant acquaintance. Managing one's instant messaging contacts is fraught with difficult judgment calls; on one hand, restricting your availability to certain people can leave casual friends feeling hurt. On the other, having too many contacts can result in a deluge of unwanted conversation.

Fortunately, there are several techniques by which one can limit communication with excessively chatty acquaintances. One method is mentioned in our loyal reader's e-mail. "Blocking" a contact will leave them unaware of your online presence. Your acquaintance will not be notified that you have blocked them. However, this approach runs the risk that your acquaintance might grow suspicious of the sudden drop-off in your online availability. If you don't have your wits about you, an unexpected confrontation along the lines of "why are you never online anymore?" could leave you feeling awkward and embarrassed.

A preferable technique used by many net vets makes use of your instant messaging program's "invisibility" function. Most modern chat programs allow the user to appear offline, despite their actual availability. By making yourself invisible, you can chat with only the contacts you initiate dialogue with. A politique regimen of frequent invisibility, peppered by occasional full availability, will allow you to maintain your close online relationships without offending those to whom you often deceptively appear offline; much like a stealthy cat who makes himself prominent only at mealtime.